Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You made out with two different species that night
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
