you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My pussy is not your playground.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
