I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
