Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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