I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
