Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
