Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
