Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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