There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
