She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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