just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
