mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
