I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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