so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize