what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
