I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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