She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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