His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
