God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
