if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
