I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
