The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
