after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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