R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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