Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
