we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
