Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
