Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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