dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
