i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Fuck appropriateness.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
