Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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