And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
