just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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