I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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