my mouth tastes like poor choices
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
