Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
