I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
