my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
