My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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