I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
