just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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