I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
