So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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