My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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