Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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