but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
