im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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