I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
