Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
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All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
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Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything