i just snorted my name. best moment ever
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
