I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
