If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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