Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
