Where are you?
In a non slutty way
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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