You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
