I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
