last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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