so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
