highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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