The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
